Until I embarked on my own educational path in Sociology as an undergraduate student, I never connected any of my successes as an athlete or artist with ADHD - the high energy, creative "flow" state common of ADHDers. Nor did I ever think of ADHD as something that was or could be positive or empowering, or simply what made me my unique, zany, outlier self, as I do today.
My Story
At different points in my life, ADHD has been both my greatest source of strength and joy, and at the root of my deepest, most severe moments of suffering.
My diagnosis as a fourteen year old freshman in high school sent me into a disconnected state where I completely dis-identified with what it meant to be “smart” or capable of being a “good student” altogether. My doctors and teachers only saw and communicated the downside of ADHD to me–disorganized, distracted and unmotivated, and so on. These traits were all amplified in the traditional, rote public high school curriculum that was mostly unfitting for my curious, craving for creativity, non-linear learning style.
As a sensitive 14 year old, I didn’t have the critical imagination to understand ADHD in this light. Instead, I internalized ADHD solely as a downfall, as something I needed to fix or hide.
Instead, I turned to alternative means of constructing a sense of self as capable and worthy, mainly through athletics and art, and through my relationships.
My middle and high school experiences in most “core” subjects like math and science were very much a struggle. (English and history were exceptions and areas where I could relate and at times thrive; at others, get by). As a result, I idealized athletics and art and my identity surrounding these pursuits elevated.
When I got to college I was overwhelmed with the transition of moving, and ended up impulsively quitting sports (soccer and track and field), as well as visual arts, all at the same time. This loss of self connected to arts and athletics was dramatic, abrupt and traumatic, leaving me feeling hollow and lost. Without sports and art to grant me a sense of security in the world, I had little to no authentic faith, trust and confidence in myself that I could survive and succeed in society. In response, I embarked upon a quest for thinness and carving the “perfect body” as a way to dissociate from this loss, and assert a sense of power and control in the world.
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Eventually, this pursuit quickly and dangerously evolved into a full blown eating disorder. I lost a lot of the muscle in my legs that had granted me with inherent speed that paved a path for me as a sprinter and soccer player. No matter how hard I tried to push the pain of this away, deep down I was devastated that I had thrown away my entire athletic career.
As a college student, I was also entrenched in the “work hard/ party hard” culture that is normalized and celebrated across so many campuses. I began an abusive relationship with the ADHD medication I was taking to fuel both my brain and my lifestyle. I logged long hours hyper-focussed writing papers in libraries and dorm rooms before going out at night with friends. This left little room for the more grounded, connected relationships I longed for with myself and with others.
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As the years went by, while I was very social, I was withdrawn from myself and others, living on auto-pilot. I was only able to let people in at arms length.When I looked in the mirror, I saw someone I no longer recognized, like a cartoon that mocked the person caged inside. Eventually, I fell into a deep depression, adding to a laundry list of mental health struggles common of what is now known as “complex ADHD.”
The ironic upside to my college experience was that I also began to heal my relationship with school and education. I started taking humanities and sociology classes and fell in love with the big picture, systematic worldview that was largely absent from the standardized public school curriculum I was fed in high school. (If you’re looking for a clear cut example of how healing is a nuanced process, this is it!)
James Baldwin once famously wrote: “Any writer finds that the things which hurt him and the things which helped him cannot be divorced from each other; he could be helped in a certain way only because he was hurt in a certain way.” Similarly, I began to see that school was at the source of my wounding surrounding ADHD, yet it was also the medium that would heal me. If I wanted to work with ADHD, rather than against it, I would have to learn to do so in and through my educational experience, rather than pushing it away or trying to move around it.
Sociology led me deeper into the social sciences at large–psychology of creativity, abnormal psychology, and philosophy. Eventually, I concentrated on studying ADHD through the lens of Sociology and psychology. Sociology and psychology also challenged me to view ADHD in a different light than solely as a biological disorder that I needed to “fix.” Instead, I began to see ADHD as a “way of being in the world” that comes with a host of struggles and strengths.
Alternatively, I began to understand that ADHD was not only a host of negative traits and experiences, as it's defined by contemporary psychiatry in the DSM, but is also responsible for many of my most positive life experiences.
ADHD is the fire that ignited my intuitive learning style; my curiosity and visionary mindset present in my creative process; my explosive energy and determination on the sports field; the blueprint that birthed a sense of play, spontaneity and intuitive presence in my relationship with myself, and my closest connections with friends, family and others.
Ironically, college was easier than high school for me because the classes were stimulating and meaningful and had a sense of purpose, which allowed me to hyperfocus. In high school, I had a very hard time paying attention and staying motivated in part because I didn’t understand the purpose behind the majority of the material that I was learning. (This is a core tenet of ADHD–we can pay attention and hyperfocus at superhuman levels when an activity stimulates and engages us on a meaningful level. The flip side is that when an activity, class or work task is boring or lacks meaning, we tend to lose focus entirely.)
At this time, I also began to work on independent research projects that interested me and that I had a personal or cultural connection to with professors who provided simple instructions, clear cut deadlines and general support/guidance. Under these circumstances, for the first time since elementary school/ before my diagnosis, I began to shine in school.
I also began to write more about my experiences with ADHD in college, which further enhanced my connection to school and education. Like Sociology and psychology, writing further illuminated the beauty and brilliance of ADHD through divergent thinking, creative idea generation and hyperfocusing. Like sociology, writing showed me that I could hyperfocus and enter a creative flow state when I’m immersed in a subject that truly hooks my attention.
Inspired by my new relationship with school and sociology, a few years after college, I decided to go back to graduate school to keep studying sociology of education and mental health. At this time, I was still struggling from food and drug abuse issues. In response, I made the decision to stop taking ADHD medication, because my abuse of the medication was preventing my full recovery from an eating disorder.
Yet my path to a pill free existence was far from the utopia and freedom from mental health struggles I initially imagined. When I got to grad school without medication, I started to experience anxiety attacks whenever I had to write papers; a general anxiety also haunted my day to day thoughts and movements, not only when I opened a book, but when I tried to eat, sleep and perform basic functions. I rarely slept over 3 hours a night for a good year. I was overwhelmed, barely able to keep my head above water. I considered dropping out multiple times throughout my first semester.
At this time, I found yoga and an amazing yoga therapist in Boston to support me. I began to use yoga philosophy and practice as a tool to confront both ADHD and the intersecting anxiety in my writing process and life that was threatening my sustainability in graduate school and my overall sanity. Both yoga and therapy offered a support system, shift in mindset that helped me to use writing as a therapeutic tool.
Writing taught me essential executive function skills, which I began to see were at the core of my anxiety as it pertained to ADHD. Writing taught me how to organize my fluid, wild ideas and words on the page, which translated into how I learned to manage my time and my life. It also showed me how to create structures and systems for myself on the page, which in turn taught me how to create systems for myself in my life. How we create reflects how we live.
Writing, yoga, and the self taught executive function tools used in ADHD coaching today, have now only allowed me to live with a level of happiness and peace I never knew possible, but also allowed me to graduate with distinction in graduate school at Boston College, teach as a Professor at the college level, and develop a journalism practice in Boston over the last 15 years. Since then, I’ve written for various local media in Boston including digBoston, WBUR (Boston’s local NPR), and the Grammy Awards Music news. I know that these tools and skills work not just from reading books and learning about ADHD but from direct experience.
Today I am committed to coaching others with ADHD and executive function struggles because I know that when left unattended, ADHD can drag an individual down to their lowest.
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Yet when ADHD is managed and harnessed, it can allow one to shine as their highest self, not only in School and work, but as a human in relationships with self, others and society.